Why Did Yon Chicken Cross Yonder Road?

Mogdred: "If you would a winner be, chicken pledge yourself to me."

Treguard: "Now, chicken, turn, put your foot upon the kerb, and step boldly forward."

Lord Fear: "Now I don't want the chicken to get run over, of course... What? What am I saying?! I can't believe I said that! Oh dear me, what a little fibber I am!"

Merlin: "Well, the chicken crossed the road because... um, what chicken?"

Gretel: "Yes yes yes, so it crossed the road, but does it think I'm pretty?"

Folly: "Chicken is its name, and poultry is its nature. Turkey is its character and fowl its alma mater."

Lissard: "The chicken-nesssss crosssssed the road-nesssss, to get to the other ssssssssssssside-nesssss... Ssssssorry, wassss that-nessss your eye?"

Olaf: "Was it loo-king for zie loo-tings and zie pill-a-gings?"

Gavin (Team 1, Season 3): "Because it was going to tr-... GLUB-GLUB-GLUB."

Sly Hands: "Ooo, its one of dem chickie-persons! With talons. Y'know talons? Like feet only at the... er, well at the same end of the body, now I thinks of it."

McGrew: "It was runnin' away from me, the wee Campbell-chicken coward!"

Martha: "What'd you say, little chicken? You wanna cross the road do you? Well, oill come with you if you like. And oill tell you what, while we're crossin' oill even lean forward completely unnecessarily at frequent intervals so you can peep down the inside of moi needlessly-low-cut dress, okay?"

Lillith: "You there! Chicken. If you intend to cross the road through MY domain I shall expect payment."

Richard (Team 1, Season 8): "Did it want a closer look at Stiletta's chest?"

Grimaldine: "I don't know. Have you seen the Brollachan anywhere?"

Hordriss: "Ah. Akram poultry appropinquavi. Hmm. One suspects that the flightless fowl was so overwhelmed to be in the presence of one such as I that it could not help but feel intimidated, and so quite naturally it retreated to the other side of the road."

Motley: "There was this chicken, this road, and this car and... oh 'ang on, was it a chicken, a road and an Irishman? No no, it was a chicken, a road and a dragon, that's it! Yeah, there was this chicken, this road and a dragon... Or was it a dragon, a road and an Irishman? No wait..."

Brollachan: "You will feeeed me with knowledge, chickeeeeen. You will tell meee why you cross road, chickeeeeen."

Cedric: "Oi, chicken! Get back on the pavement, dogsbottom! You can cross when you give me the password, you ugly rectal-cavity!"

Craig (Team 7, Season 2): "Chicken, when we say run, you RUN!"

Pixel: "Well that's jus' typical isn't it? It crosses the road jus' like that and doesn't even thank me for stopping the traffic for it first."

Mark (Team 7, Season 2): "Spellcasting... C-H-I-K-E-N."

Gumboil: "In-sh-ruder Alert Level Sheventee-een. Halt shicken! Gumboil the Unconqueraba-bobble guardsh the road."

Majida: "Ee's too deefficult to cross road. Chicken can't even see where eet going, ee's much too deefficult."

Granitas: "I am aware that for some reason, some chickens find my name amusing. Be warned, I am not amused."

Rothberry: "Ah! Well, my dear, my preliminary diagnosis - yes I think that's the word, yes - my preliminary diagnosis of the chicken's condition is that its forward momentum was stimulated by a series of electrical neural impulses from its, er... its-its-its cerebral cortex to the nerve endings in the muscular tissues within its bipedal locomotive appendagial-organs, in order to, um, um, to obtain passage to the corresponding footway located on the diametrically-opposing vertex of the vehicular carriageway. Yes. Yes that's it. Now..." <SNIFF> "...can I interest you in this lovely plate of bat's droppings?"

Velda: "Hmm. It looks like a chicken is crossing a road."

Raptor: "Where be that chicken? I can smell it nearby."

Mrs Grimwold: "The chicken's crossing the road? Is it still there now? WAHEEEYY!!! Oi, Festus! Din-dins!"

Barry (Team 7, Season 7): "Why hello, chicken, it's very nice to meet you at last. I've heard so many wonderful jokes about you. Crossing the road are you? Delightful, delightful. And such a splendid road as well. I'm sure it'll be a very pleasant journey for you. And may I say how splendid your plumage is looking at this time? Marvellous, marvellous. By the way, I hope the traffic is kind to you, it can get very busy at this time of day, don't you find? Really irritating isn't it? You know the thing I mean don't you? You know, that bit when you have to stand on the pavement for just ages waiting for the traffic to stop coming your way from one direction, and then what happens? What happens? You know what happens! More cars come hurtling past from the other direction! Isn't that just so irritating? I mean isn't it though? Really puts a crimp on my day when that happens, I can tell you. Really does. Still, I'm sure that won't happen to you this time, I mean the traffic looks pretty light at the moment, and anyway, you look small enough and fast enough to slip between the wheels if you run into trouble. Not that I recommend that you try such a thing of course, goodness me no, that would be really dangerous. And I mean what's a little irritation? Not worth the danger is it? Surely it isn't. Jolly pleasant this though isn't it? Reminds me of whatever it was I was talking about the other day. I mean it should remind me, but I can't remember it at all, I mean I talk so often, it's not remarkable enough to remember what I say is it? Anyway, before you cross, don't forget the golden rules... well actually now that I think of it, they're more GREEN rules than golden, I mean they're the green cross code, but what I mean is that the green cross code is stop, look right, look left, then look right again, then start to cross, then once you cross the white lines at the middle, look left again. Excellent code I say, must save thousands of lives a day. That Dave Prowse was a godsend don't you think? Marvellous guy, marvellous guy, even if he had to wear that nasty outfit in Star Wars. Are you a fan of Star Wars? Mm, thought so, you don't look normal. Anyway, I don't want you to think that you're boring me, but I must be going. Ciao."

Door-is: "Oh how dreadful. It's a chicken. And oh no! No, NO! Now it's crossing that road. Oh dear dear dear."

Pickle: "It won't do, the way these chickens go around giving their names out to just anybody, won't do at all."

Fatilla: "Chicken... chicken... cross-es road... chicken... chicken... cross-es road... chicken..."

Bumptious: "Chicken? Crossing the road? Oh no no no no no, I'm not standing for that. Regulation two-one-seven-seven-three-seven-four-nine-zero-eight-one, category Alpha, Section thirty-seven, sub-section D of the All-Dwarvish Mining Guild and Litter Collectors Labour Group and Tea Service statutes states very clearly and in no uncertain terms that at any time between 6pm and 9am, Mondays to Saturdays, except Bank Holidays, Royal Wedding Days and the first Tuesday in the Jewish New Year, no chicken is authorised to cross any road which falls under the jurisdiction of the ADMGLCLGTS Miners-Who-Stand-About-Doing-Nothing-But-Quoting-Legalising-Claptrap-When-They-Should-Be-Working Committee, notwithstanding fords, zebra crossings and rail intersections, without firstly filling in form UH two-zero-three-zero-nine-one-one-seven-three-five-C-eleven-two-eight, and, upon return of said form to the appropriate parties within the ADMGLCLGTS, taking receipt of form UI eight-one-three-three-five-eight-four-seven-seven-one-two giving clear confirmation from said-appropriate parties to cross the specified stretch of road at the exact position, in metres and centimetres specified under Section C, Category f, entry four on the said-receipt form. So I'm afraid the chicken will just have to... oh he's gone."

Juilus Scaramonger: "Hey chicken, you don't want to cross the road on foot. I can arrange a lift across the road for you at a very reasonable price."

Brother Mace: "Ah, it sounds like a case of poultry-biscum crossing a road-abus to get to the other side-avum."

Oakley: "Those who cross the road, must understand the road they cross. We will not abide clumsy drivers or squashed chickens."

Sir Hugh De Witless: "Hark, what is this I see ahead of me? 'Tis a brave and noble chicken, gallantly embarking on that most honourable and pious quest - to find the elusive and mysterious holy land that we know only as the Other Side of Yon Road... but lo, what is this? An evil monster approaches our unsuspecting heroine. What be this harbinger of chaos that I espy? A dragon, mayhap? Be it a wheeled dragon indeed of harsh metallic scales and smoky breath escaping from a most unexpected orifice? Most fleet a dragon too. What is yon inscription upon its fearsome hide? 'Skoda'? Never fear, sweet chicken. Tantan-tantantan-taraaaaaaaaa!" <Draws sword and advances> "Brave Sir Hugh shall rescue y-eeeeaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!"

The Gatemaster: "The chicken will not pass! I serve neither the Opposition nor the Powers That Be, and it is my duty that none shall pass, whatever their affiliation. And besides..." <MUNCH!> "...I like drumsticks."

Jonathan (Team 6, Season 1): "Okay chicken start walking forward. Go on! Go on, move it! Quicker! QUICKER!!!!"

Gwendoline: "It is the only escape route for any animal from those treacherous poachers."

Oracle of Confusion: "The door to the other side is danger, the key to survival is fleetness. When chicken shall find road to cross, swift it must be or life be lost. The time is coming... the time is coming..."

Gideon (Team 2, Season 8): "Alright, chicken, we're going to cross the road. Walk forward... OH GOD, there's a car coming!!! Step-back-step-back-step-back! Phew! Right, walk forward again. Good, now... OH GOD, now there's a lorry coming!!!! Move faster! Quick, quick, quick!!!! Phew! Right, take a step to the right. That's it, right, right, right! That's it, now go forw-... OH GOD...!!!!"

Troll: "I'm a troll, I'm a troll, folderol, folderol. I likes me nosh all sticky. I'm a troll, I'm a troll, folderol, folderol. And I'll start by scoffin' that chickie..."

Red Dragon: "Oh good, a tasty helping of chicken. Now the only question to ask is... cooked or raw?"

Casper: "Merlin probably sent it to find where he dropped me again."

Gibbet: "If it wants tae cross the road, let it! But I'm warnin' ye, if it wakes me up on the way across, I'll kick its wee feathers in!"

Olgarth: "Your quest is to cross the road, yet you may not drive on it."

Mr Grimwold: "The indications as obtained via a brief perusal of all available data leads me inexorably to the conclusion that the flightless avian had no exact intent in engaging in the indicated manoeuvre, which was inherently more likely to be chiefly a random thermodynamic propulsion on the basis of entirely capricious mental mot-... errrr, I mean... RAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!"

Morghanna: "What a ridiculous way to travel. Tell me, do you walk across every road like that?"

Kenneth (Team 3, Season 2): "Chicken, you're on a road in a small room. The road leads to a small room, beyond which there's a small room, with a small room in it. Walk forward and you'll arrive in a small room, while to your left there's a small room, and a small room to your right. Above the small room, there's a small room, and below that, there's a small room..."

Sidriss: "Oh dear, that's a tricky one. Er, let me think. The way to the other side is that way. Or at least it is from this side, but if you're not on this side, you might want to go the other way, unless that takes you to this side, in which case, you're not on this side after all and need to go the other way. It's about ten feet crossing from your position, but it's also ten feet crossing to your position from this one, so make sure you go this way unless you want to go the other way, in which case only go this way if you don't, and when you cross make sure the side you arrive at is this one, or the one you set off from, and not another one, which there isn't. There, I think that's covered it, must dash."

Ah Wok: "Ah, venelabre chicken closses load to leach the othel side. Most dangelous. Pelhaps venelabre chicken wourd care to ret rorripop man herp?"

Mildread: "Nyah, I 'ope the bloody thing gets run over, I ain't eaten in days!"

Mellisandre: "Seventeen... eighteen... nineteen... hmm? Oh it's just looking for a hiding place... twenty... twenty one... thirty two... forty three... fifty four... one hundred! Coming, chicken, ready or not!"

Dreadnort: "I seek a word. If it is the correct word, you may cross the road. Give me the wrong word, give me no word, and I take a limb. Perhaps a wing, perhaps a leg, maybe even a beak, I seek a word."

Elita: "Now chickens I can cope with. I mean, okay, so they're just as STUPID as humans, but at least they don't smell as bad."

Bret (Team 8, Season 4): "Look, the chicken's crossing the road. Heh heh, wow!"

Smirkenorff: "Cross the road? You mean on foot? What self-respecting creature of wings would demean itself by WALKING across a road?"

Boat Man: "Long and wide is this busy road. The fare for the crossing is silver or gold."

Brother Strange: "Ah, but you misunderstand, for 'tis not a real chicken. It is a metaphor, a symbol of the courageous dreams of humanity, its primeval desire to learn to fly. For even though Man becomes more and more like the bird, he is never truly able to fly, akin to the vulnerable chicken, and so he struggles on across the trials and travails of life and the world, as symbolised by the hazardous road of its ambitions. The poor unsuspecting chicken is imperilled by countless obstacles on the road, for instance speeding horse-carts, excessively rude hedgehogs, potholes... What? Oh alright, to get to the other side."

Aqash (Team 6, Season 2): "You don't wanna eat that chicken, it tastes 'orrible."

Honesty Bartram: "Ch-ch-ch-ch-chicken? Oh yes, I got chicken. I got roast chicken, I got chicken flambee, I got chicken chasseur, Kent Fried Chicken, chicken-in-a-basket, chicken-under-a-lorry-wheel. Get 'em fresh, lowest prices in Wolfenden...!"

Gundrada: "Hey you! The one with the beak. I'd escort you acwoss the woad, it's just... well fwankly, I don't know the way."

Automatum: <WHIRR, CLICK, CLICK, WHIRR, WHIRR, CLANK, WHIRR...>

Bhal-Shebah: "The chicken crossed the road to get to the other side... no it didn't... yes it did... no it didn't... I'm telling you it did! And I'm telling you it didn't!! Yeah? Well I'm telling you..."

Mugg: "See? It even thinks wandering into a road full of heavy traffic's better than staying and looking at me." <SNIFF>

Snapper Jack: "Snipper-Snap, snipper-snap, this one's too smart for Jack, we go for easier pluckings."

Golgarach: "Stop, intruder! Look left, look right, look left again, cross carefully when there is no traffic, taking care as you do so... then turn and face me!"