A Few Things They Didn't Want Us To Know

The Other Side Of The Greater Game

A Few Things They Didn't Want Us To Know

WE'VE ALL GOT OUR EMBARRASSING PERSONAL SECRETS THAT WE ONLY EVER REVEAL TO OUR FRIENDS IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.

SO, HERE'S A FEW THINGS THAT THE POWERS-THAT-BE WANTED ME TO KEEP UNDER MY HAT. SORRY, GUYS! >SNIGGER<

Greystagg carries witch hazel wherever she goes to scare off the bears whenever she steps on the lines in the street.

The real reason Pickle left Knightmare Castle is because Velda wouldn't go out with him.

Pickle took to drink because Majida wouldn't go out with him either.

When he sleeps, Smirkenorff fantasises about being KITT from Knightrider.

Brother Mace gets all sentimental when Smokey sings.

Folly's laughter ran away because Gretel said Motley was better in bed.

Stilletta sleeps in the buff.

So does McGrew, unfortunately.

Hordriss the Confuser was turned down for the part of Darth Vader in Star Wars for being too effeminate.

Maldame was on the short-list for The Eye-Shield fanzine's page three girl.

Ridolfo doesn't mean to be a troubadour - he's really auditioning to join Def Leppard.

Gretel's real name is Lucretia Borgia.

Treguard keeps sending dungeoneers on the quest for the crown because he keeps putting it down and forgetting where he left it.

Rothberry's wares are really just refuse from his drink problem.

Brother Strange was thrown out of the Sex Pistols for being too normal.

Elita's scared of heights.

Majida really comes from Wales, she just talks funny because she's got a bit missing from her lip.

Pickle's half-brother is Tuvok from Star Trek.

Mellisandre's favourite record is Smack My Bitch Up.

Merlin never shaves because he misunderstood when Aesandre said "He looks SO hot in that body-length beard..."

Gundrada calculates Advanced Nuclear Physics in her spare time, because she finds picking her nose too complicated.

Romanha's crossbow only fires ping pong balls.

The real reason Treguard stopped casting "DISMISS" at the end of failed quests is that he's forgotten how to spell it.

NEVER LET IT BE SAID THAT I'M UNFAIR IN MY CAPACITY FOR INDISCREET CRUELTY THOUGH. HERE'S A FEW THINGS THE OPPOSITION WANTED TO KEEP HUSH-HUSH.

Lillith has a self-esteem problem.

The Automatum's CPU was extracted from a ZX81.

Skarkill wanted that spell to restrain the Hobgoblin because it had a crush on him.

Lissard's breath smells that bad AFTER Clorets.

Gumboil only got hooked on the dungeon juice because Raptor split up with him.

Brangwen looks so hot in a swimsuit she has to fight off improper advances from Olgarth and the Brollachan.

Snapper Jack only accepted the job when someone told him that it involved putting his hand up a fiery creature's bottom.

In his sleep Sylvester Hands fantasises about being Batman.

Bhal-Shebah fancies Megatron from Beast Wars.

The elves avert their gaze from King Arawn, not out of respect, but because they think he's an ugly git.

Mogdred only tries to recruit the dungeoneers because he's scared they'll beat him up.

The reason why Mrs Grimwold wears that ridiculous fake nose is that she got the elastic caught around her ears at a Hallowe'en party and she can't get the damn thing off.

Malice chose not to kill Dicken because casting a death-spell would've messed up her hair.

Gibbet's favourite record is Anyone Can Fall In Love by Anita Dobson.

Lord Fear wastes so much time gloating because he's stalling while he tries to remember his lines.

Raptor refused to confront Barry for fear of being bored to death.

Morghanna refuses to fight dungeoneers at close quarters because she's just had her nails done.

The trolls always stand below very high ledges in the dungeon because they don't want people to laugh at their big feet.

Lord Fear wears that strange skull-shaped helmet thing to hid the fact that he's going bald.

Mogdred wishes to steal Wyrmslayer from Treguard because Lillith told him that his own chopper's not big enough.

Olaf was so pleased with his sorcerer stone that he broke into Aesandre's palace and stole six more of them, ignoring two boxes filled with gold.

At Hallowe'en, Mildread takes her mask OFF to scare the kiddies.

In his spare time, Cedric of Wrawsby reads My Little Pony comics.