Lord Fear: "Oh, what a lovely fluffy little creature! I think I'll take him home and call him George...
Pickle: "Oh! The Corridor of Blades!
Quick, team - get him in there!
Velda: "I'm completely relaxed!"
Treguard: "Completely safe, team. Dance
in there with your pants on your head and poke it in the eye!"
Advisors: "It's Morphin' time!"
[Martin's footnote - Scooby Doo fans, assuming
there are any still alive in this day and age, take cover now!]
Lord Fear: "I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!!"
Julie from series 3 would never say, "Here goblins would
you like a grenade?"
Majida would never say 2x5 is 10
Those goblins: "We'd love to accept your present, Julie. Many thanks, and may your quest be long and prosperous."
Golgarach: "Stop! Please help yourself to some of my things. There's a lovely pie there and I'd be so honoured
if you'd take it. Oh, go on, you never know when that crayon might be useful. You can burn my table for extra life force if
you want. Oh, and help yourself to some of my floor tiles."
Majida: "Eees too eeeasy."
Mogdred: "Look upon Mogdred and know that he'll do anything in his power to aid you. Would you care to join
me for some Darjeeling?"
Grimaldine: "I am Grimaldiine, of the... oh, what the hell, of the purple and orange polka dottiness on that
gorgeous waistcoat Sylvester Hands gave me for my birthday."
Lilith: "Gosh, I've got all these humbugs. Now if only I had something to store them all in..."
Mrs. G.: "No, dearie. Bones is no use. Not since Festus went vegetarian on us. So I'm going to 'ave to get
Grimmy to kill you unless you've got any tofu."
Lord Fear: "I think I'll take a holiday since my henchmen evidently have everything in hand. Goodness, Lissard,
what's that delightful perfume? You smell absolutely divine!"
Treguard: "Yes, Pickle, while
the advisors are frozen by Temporal Disruption, let's amuse ourselves by putting them in silly poses and using them as coat
racks... [*Turns to camera and the Watchers at home*] ... Oh, you're still here? Gosh, what are you still watching this tripe for? There was something
good on Children's BBC too. Anyway, don't bother tuning in next week since I'm giving up this crappy job and going to Benidorm
with Mellisandre and opening my own tattoo parlour. I'm selling the castle to Pat Sharp - I gather he's got some great ideas
about converting it to something far more entertaining! Toodles!" [*Puts on summer hat and exits*]
Sidriss: "You know, the idealist
position really does have a singularly intrinsic appeal. I don't agree that it's the last refuge of the sceptic, or that it
inevitably leads us into reliance upon the notion of a supreme being to sustain our common sense judgements about the spatio-temporeal
existence of the world."
Sly Hands: "Ah, but Sidriss, I believe you're overlooking the phenomenalist's case,
which, as I'm sure we'll both agree, has answers to many problem case scenarios about which the principles of idealism cannot
The Brollachan: "I hunger for turnips."
DRASSIL (The undisputed champion of this particular
Dungeoneer: "No-no, don't say anything, let me guess... I'm in a room. With some doors. But how many? Two?
Three and a half? Over to you guys."
Velda: "You look totally trustworthy, despite the helmet and knapsack possibly containing weaponry. I'm going
to grin at you and help you to the best of my abilities."
Pickle: "That's not a doorway in the forest! That's just a black cardboard rectangle! Best give it a wide
berth and continue through the trees, Team."
Treguard: "Where am I?"
Pickle: "You know, I got paid more when I played Marvin the Android, and my outfit was warmer. Enough
of this: I quit! Hugo..." [Treguard gasps] "... come and join me when your beard glue wears off."
Goblin: "I've actually been learning the harmonica, I can play Bob Dylan pretty well. I just prefer to
blow the horn, y'know?"
Majida: "The water in Majorca don't taste like what it oughta."
(Anyone seen the old Heineken ad?)
[Martin's footnote - Yup... "Duh wa'er in madge-orca
don't taste like wha' i' ough'a. Golly!"]
Elita: "Hello, handsome! Fancy a good-natured chat about the Dungeon?"
Dungeoneer: "Treguard, before we start the quest, can I just nip to the loo?"
Dungeoneer [After receiving a clue from the Oracle of Confusion]: "Ah, crystal clear! We can really
work with that info."
[Martin's footnote - This next gag's one of those
ones that's not really on-subject, but it deserves its place in the list as it has a rare distinction - a pun that's relatively
Pickle [bringing Treguard a cuppa and a Custard Cream during a quest]: "A new blend of tea for
you, Master: PG Tips."
Treguard: "Hmm, it's advertised by chimpanzees; I wonder if that's a reflection on
the taste? Let's see if it's the 'cuppa that heals', 'ey, Pickle? [Sips the tea at the same moment as the Dungeoneer falls
to his doom.] Oooooh, nice tea!"
Series 3 Goblin: "Well, actually, Julie - hey, hey, stop it, you guys, I'm trying to talk to the Dungeoneer
- our skin gets pretty flaky, without natural light and a proper diet and what have you; so if you could get us some moisturiser
- it doesn't have to be too fancy, just a decent-sized bottle from a reputable shop - that'd be great, and we wouldn't have
to, like, kill you."
Adviser: "OK, Julie, tell the goblins you don't have any moisturiser, but would they
*Treguard chews on his knuckles*
A Dungeoneer has died. Treguard is about to send the
Team on its way, when a squad of cheerleaders (including Mellisandre, Gretel, Elita and Velda) cartwheel in and begin to chant:
"Oh dear you've lost the quest Time to go back
Gimme a D!
Give me an I!
Gimme and S!... and M!
Give me another I!
Gimme an S!
What does it spell?
Dungeoneer: "There's a spyglass."
Advisor: "Look through it."
*Michael Howard appears
in the spyglass.*
Treguard: "Ah, Team, this is the leader of the Opposition, for this phase at least.
And, rather fittingly, he is rumoured to have something of the frightknight about him."
Pickle: "Wasn't it
Mrs. Grimwold who said that?"
Howard [looking into his crystal ball]: "Scargill? Scargill! Where are
[Martin's footnote - Again no points for strict relevance,
but top marks for contemporary political satire!]
Treguard: "The book, Pickle."
Pickle: "Yes, Master. >Ahem.< 'Jill stared with thrilled
joy into Doug's eyes, turning the air in the boudoir to pure bliss. This, for a day or a decade, was love. As their beating
hearts hammered out a treaty of mutual happiness, he slowly took...'
Treguard: "No no, Pickle, the other book!"
Ariadne: "Incy wincy human, came into Level One, down came the spider, and bit him on the... oh, the Dungeoneer's
run off. I was too slow. Again."
Dungeoneer: "Can't you get it into your thick skull? I don't want you attacking me!'
I fear such dry wit will prove useless against a catacombite, Team.
*The Dungeoneer is indeed eaten by the catacombite.*
Treguard: "Yeeesss!!" [Sings] "Who's
not winnin' any more? Who's not winn-..." [Clears throat] "Er, I mean, oooooh naaasty!'
Majida: "But Treguard..."
Treguard: "Madam, for once, just shut up." *Majida tries
to speak.* "Shut up. Shut up. Shut... up. Indulge in shutting up. Shut up. Get a degree in Shutupology. Shut, as the old
saying goes, up. Attain a state of shutupness. Please shut up. Shut the Fear up. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!"
except for the dripping of a myriad tears of joy across the nation.*
Treguard: [Getting his breath back]
"And... having thus shut up... cut my toenais."
[Martin's footnote - Admit it, you stole that "shut
up" sequence from the Atmosfear computer game! (See link at bottom of the page.) Admit it. And stop being so horrid
to Majida, everyone. All right so her voice is irritating. You still would though, wouldn't you?]
Treguard: "Team, the Eye Shield is currently at the blacksmith's for repairs, so here instead is the Nose
Shield. Now, when you find a spyglass, hold it up in front of the Nose Shield, and we'll finally be able to discover what
aftershave Lord Fear uses."
Pickle: "If any."
We meet at last."
a word in your ear..."
know, Pixel, you're really annoying!"
Brother Mace: "Ah,
Gatemaster. May I introduce myself?"
"Why have you kidnapped me, Aesandre? Answer me!"
Lord Fear: "No,
Sir Hugh, I don't need rescuing."
enter your PIN."
Sly to dungeoneer: "I'll give you this rope if you can give me..."
Simon: "I think I'll just sidestep to the left into that pit!"
Advisor: "Simon! Sidestep to your right!"
Gargoyle singing: "If you're happy and you
know it clap your hands..." and "Oh what a beautiful morning..."
Ariadne: "I've turned vegetarian."
D: "There's bar of gold, a key, a red gemstone and a loaf of bread!"
A: "Put the
bread in your knapsack."
D: "But I can't! I'm on the Atkins Diet!"
Morghanna: "Ah Martin, I see you have the quest item, and your about to win. Seeing as you dont have any
dragon magic to use on me your obviously harmless so please to carry on and finish your quest."
[Martin's footnote - Hmm, can't help feeling this
next one would be better-suited to a mock out-takes reel than this subject, but never mind.]
Dungeoneer: "Just a second guys, just gotta slip my helmet off and scratch me head. Hey did I fall in a lake? What's
all this blue stuff...?"
Hordriss: "Yo yo yo Dungeoneer, like my new medallion? Don'tcha think it's totally bling? Now I is wantin'
u 2 bring me back a bit of crack..."
[Martin's footnote - This one's off-subject again,
but too clever to omit.]
How the Helmet of Justice came to be.
*Dungeoneer enters castle*
Treguard: "Off you go then."
*Dungeoneer wins quest easily without helmet on*
Treguard: "Well done our 10th
winner this season out of 10!"
Dungeoneer: "That was so easy I could do it blindfolded."
THE WISPY WIT......
Lord Fear: "Hmm this crystal ball needs broadband."
Morghanna: "Ah, I'm feeling generous, Martin, since no-one has won on Series 3 yet I shall let you pass without
Brother Mace: "No more ale please."
Last dungeoneer in any series (except Barry, of course): "What's the point of me going on a quest if you know there's
no chance that I'll have enough time to complete it?"
Gundrada to Bumptious: "Yes, I jolly well swear to never rob or decapitate a dwarf."
A team enter the Block and Tackle, Treguard says:
here is stable, we reinforced the walls so that we..."
<SPLACK> <CRUNCH> <BANG>
"Don't fret team he's just invisible..."
Lord Fear: "Stop it! You're hurting my feelings!"
Lord Fear: "Let's be friends...!"
Skarkill: "Are you seriously suggesting that I'd accept a bribe?"
Snapper Jack: "You right, this glove looks
Honesty Bartram: "I hope we can still do
business, even if I am just a cheap alternative to Julius Scaramonger."
Velda: "You're right - adventuring is no
career for an elf who gets kidnapped by goblins twice in as many quests."
Ah Wok: "Yes, I plobably do have tlouble
plonouncing my Rs."
Fatilla: "Now you come to mention it, I
never have been quite sure what the verb 'to blip' means."
Greystagg: "No thanks, I've already got
more witch amber than I need."
Mildread: "I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty!"
Gwendoline: "You know, I've suddenly got this huge craving for veal!"
Sylvester Hands: "Good evening, old sport! I was just enjoying a rather spiffing cucumber sandwich!"
Pickle: "Oh, that's totally fair."
Simon: "I think I'll sidestep to my right."
Series 8 Treguard: "Quiche force energy fading..."
[Martin's footnote - This one goes on quite a bit,
but is just too good to edit!]
Dungeoneer: "I can see the cup that heals!"
Treguard: "Excellent team, now take it and exit
through that door!"
Dungeoneer: "Hold on, I can also see the sword, the crown and a lost maid!"
"Er, you just leave those for another dungeoneer."
Dungeoneer: "Why? I may as well take them all."
"Well, er...you can only take two objects at a time..."
Dungeoneer: "No, it's all right, I can manage with
all four of them. Even the maid..."
(Treguard mutters under breath...)
*Later, with new team*
"Well, team. You can choose your quest objects. You can search for the bucket that protects, the broom that sweeps, the...
er... kitten that mews or... er... Pickle, just go off into the dungeon for a bit. Let the dungeoneers find you."
"But what if the dungeoneer gets killed before they reach me?"
Treguard: "Well, that's a risk you'll just
have to take. Now, off with you you silly sprite."
*Dungeoneer gets killed all of a sudden by Hitler*
Treguard: "Ooohhhh, Nazi!"
Treguard: "Congratulations team... You have found the cup!"
Lord Fear: "You haven't had much food recently, have you? Well, I hate to see people die, so, have this loaf
Treguard: "Here, Majida, you sit in my
chair now. After all, you are carrying my baby."
[Martin's footnote - I knew it! I knew he was banging
her during temporal disruption! I-knew-it-I-knew-it-I-knew-it!]
Motley: "Hmm, I wonder if it's about time
I started telling rude jokes for a change."