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No, They Just Wouldn't SAY That!

[This is a transcript of the best of a topic that was started on the Knightmare discussion forum by Emily "Emii" Bradshaw in November 2003. Loads of people have contributed to it, and more examples are being thought up all the time. Not sure what it says about the mentality of the Knightmare fan community, but for sure no one can accuse us of lacking imagination! However as this does bear a strong resemblance to the chicken jokes page, I have uneasy worries about what I may have indirectly set in motion. Oh well, too late now! (The names in capitals are the usernames for the forum by the way, not the characters themselves.) I've edited a few of them, mainly for reasons of space.]


Lord Fear:  "Oh, what a lovely fluffy little creature! I think I'll take him home and call him George...

Pickle:  "Oh! The Corridor of Blades! Quick, team - get him in there!


Velda:  "I'm completely relaxed!"


Treguard:  "Completely safe, team. Dance in there with your pants on your head and poke it in the eye!"


Advisors:  "It's Morphin' time!"


[Martin's footnote - Scooby Doo fans, assuming there are any still alive in this day and age, take cover now!]

Lord Fear:  "I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!!"



Julie from series 3 would never say, "Here goblins would you like a grenade?"

Majida would never say 2x5 is 10



Those goblins:  "We'd love to accept your present, Julie. Many thanks, and may your quest be long and prosperous."


Golgarach:  "Stop! Please help yourself to some of my things. There's a lovely pie there and I'd be so honoured if you'd take it. Oh, go on, you never know when that crayon might be useful. You can burn my table for extra life force if you want. Oh, and help yourself to some of my floor tiles."


Majida:  "Eees too eeeasy."


Mogdred:  "Look upon Mogdred and know that he'll do anything in his power to aid you. Would you care to join me for some Darjeeling?"


Grimaldine:  "I am Grimaldiine, of the... oh, what the hell, of the purple and orange polka dottiness on that gorgeous waistcoat Sylvester Hands gave me for my birthday."


Lilith:  "Gosh, I've got all these humbugs. Now if only I had something to store them all in..."


Mrs. G.:  "No, dearie. Bones is no use. Not since Festus went vegetarian on us. So I'm going to 'ave to get Grimmy to kill you unless you've got any tofu."


Lord Fear:  "I think I'll take a holiday since my henchmen evidently have everything in hand. Goodness, Lissard, what's that delightful perfume? You smell absolutely divine!"


Treguard:  "Yes, Pickle, while the advisors are frozen by Temporal Disruption, let's amuse ourselves by putting them in silly poses and using them as coat racks... [*Turns to camera and the Watchers at home*] ... Oh, you're still here? Gosh, what are you still watching this tripe for? There was something good on Children's BBC too. Anyway, don't bother tuning in next week since I'm giving up this crappy job and going to Benidorm with Mellisandre and opening my own tattoo parlour. I'm selling the castle to Pat Sharp - I gather he's got some great ideas about converting it to something far more entertaining! Toodles!" [*Puts on summer hat and exits*]


Sidriss:  "You know, the idealist position really does have a singularly intrinsic appeal. I don't agree that it's the last refuge of the sceptic, or that it inevitably leads us into reliance upon the notion of a supreme being to sustain our common sense judgements about the spatio-temporeal existence of the world."
Sly Hands:  "Ah, but Sidriss, I believe you're overlooking the phenomenalist's case, which, as I'm sure we'll both agree, has answers to many problem case scenarios about which the principles of idealism cannot be supported."


The Brollachan:  "I hunger for turnips."


DRASSIL (The undisputed champion of this particular topic)......

Dungeoneer:  "No-no, don't say anything, let me guess... I'm in a room. With some doors. But how many? Two? Three and a half? Over to you guys."


Velda:  "You look totally trustworthy, despite the helmet and knapsack possibly containing weaponry. I'm going to grin at you and help you to the best of my abilities."


Pickle:  "That's not a doorway in the forest! That's just a black cardboard rectangle! Best give it a wide berth and continue through the trees, Team."


Treguard:  "Where am I?"


Pickle:  "You know, I got paid more when I played Marvin the Android, and my outfit was warmer. Enough of this: I quit! Hugo..." [Treguard gasps] "... come and join me when your beard glue wears off."


Goblin:  "I've actually been learning the harmonica, I can play Bob Dylan pretty well. I just prefer to blow the horn, y'know?"


Majida:  "The water in Majorca don't taste like what it oughta."
(Anyone seen the old Heineken ad?)

[Martin's footnote - Yup... "Duh wa'er in madge-orca don't taste like wha' i' ough'a. Golly!"


Elita:  "Hello, handsome! Fancy a good-natured chat about the Dungeon?"


Dungeoneer:  "Treguard, before we start the quest, can I just nip to the loo?"


Dungeoneer [After receiving a clue from the Oracle of Confusion]:  "Ah, crystal clear! We can really work with that info."


[Martin's footnote - This next gag's one of those ones that's not really on-subject, but it deserves its place in the list as it has a rare distinction - a pun that's relatively funny.]

Pickle [bringing Treguard a cuppa and a Custard Cream during a quest]:  "A new blend of tea for you, Master: PG Tips."
Treguard:  "Hmm, it's advertised by chimpanzees; I wonder if that's a reflection on the taste? Let's see if it's the 'cuppa that heals', 'ey, Pickle? [Sips the tea at the same moment as the Dungeoneer falls to his doom.] Oooooh, nice tea!"


Series 3 Goblin:  "Well, actually, Julie - hey, hey, stop it, you guys, I'm trying to talk to the Dungeoneer - our skin gets pretty flaky, without natural light and a proper diet and what have you; so if you could get us some moisturiser - it doesn't have to be too fancy, just a decent-sized bottle from a reputable shop - that'd be great, and we wouldn't have to, like, kill you."
Adviser:  "OK, Julie, tell the goblins you don't have any moisturiser, but would they like..."
*Treguard chews on his knuckles*


A Dungeoneer has died. Treguard is about to send the Team on its way, when a squad of cheerleaders (including Mellisandre, Gretel, Elita and Velda) cartwheel in and begin to chant:  "Oh dear you've lost the quest Time to go back to Skegness
Gimme a D!
Give me an I!
Gimme and S!... and M!
Give me another I!
Gimme an S!
Gimme another S!
What does it spell?
Diiiiiiiis-miss! Woo!!"


Dungeoneer:  "There's a spyglass."
Advisor:  "Look through it."
*Michael Howard appears in the spyglass.*
Treguard:  "Ah, Team, this is the leader of the Opposition, for this phase at least. And, rather fittingly, he is rumoured to have something of the frightknight about him."
Pickle:  "Wasn't it Mrs. Grimwold who said that?"
Howard [looking into his crystal ball]:  "Scargill? Scargill! Where are you?"

[Martin's footnote - Again no points for strict relevance, but top marks for contemporary political satire!]


Treguard:  "The book, Pickle."
Pickle:  "Yes, Master. >Ahem.< 'Jill stared with thrilled joy into Doug's eyes, turning the air in the boudoir to pure bliss. This, for a day or a decade, was love. As their beating hearts hammered out a treaty of mutual happiness, he slowly took...'
Treguard:  "No no, Pickle, the other book!"


Ariadne:  "Incy wincy human, came into Level One, down came the spider, and bit him on the... oh, the Dungeoneer's run off. I was too slow. Again."


Dungeoneer:  "Can't you get it into your thick skull? I don't want you attacking me!'
Treguard:  I fear such dry wit will prove useless against a catacombite, Team.
*The Dungeoneer is indeed eaten by the catacombite.*
"Yeeesss!!" [Sings] "Who's not winnin' any more? Who's not winn-..." [Clears throat] "Er, I mean, oooooh naaasty!'


Majida:  "But Treguard..."
Treguard:  "Madam, for once, just shut up." *Majida tries to speak.* "Shut up. Shut up. Shut... up. Indulge in shutting up. Shut up. Get a degree in Shutupology. Shut, as the old saying goes, up. Attain a state of shutupness. Please shut up. Shut the Fear up. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!"
*Silence, except for the dripping of a myriad tears of joy across the nation.*
Treguard:  [Getting his breath back] "And... having thus shut up... cut my toenais."

[Martin's footnote - Admit it, you stole that "shut up" sequence from the Atmosfear computer game! (See link at bottom of the page.) Admit it. And stop being so horrid to Majida, everyone. All right so her voice is irritating. You still would though, wouldn't you?]


Treguard:  "Team, the Eye Shield is currently at the blacksmith's for repairs, so here instead is the Nose Shield. Now, when you find a spyglass, hold it up in front of the Nose Shield, and we'll finally be able to discover what aftershave Lord Fear uses."
Pickle:  "If any."


Motley:  "Hello, Sylvester." 

Sidriss:  "Greystagg. We meet at last."

Merlin:  "Mogdred, a word in your ear..."

Elita:  "You know, Pixel, you're really annoying!"

Brother Mace:  "Ah, Gatemaster. May I introduce myself?"

Gwendoline:  "Why have you kidnapped me, Aesandre? Answer me!"

Lord Fear:  "No, Sir Hugh, I don't need rescuing."

Blocker:  "Please enter your PIN."



Sly to dungeoneer:  "I'll give you this rope if you can give me..."


Simon:  "I think I'll just sidestep to the left into that pit!"


Advisor:  "Simon! Sidestep to your right!"


Gargoyle singing:  "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands..." and "Oh what a beautiful morning..."


Ariadne:  "I've turned vegetarian."


D:  "There's bar of gold, a key, a red gemstone and a loaf of bread!"
A:  "Put the bread in your knapsack."
D:  "But I can't! I'm on the Atkins Diet!"


LORD BOB......

Morghanna:  "Ah Martin, I see you have the quest item, and your about to win. Seeing as you dont have any dragon magic to use on me your obviously harmless so please to carry on and finish your quest."


[Martin's footnote - Hmm, can't help feeling this next one would be better-suited to a mock out-takes reel than this subject, but never mind.]

Dungeoneer:  "Just a second guys, just gotta slip my helmet off and scratch me head. Hey did I fall in a lake? What's all this blue stuff...?"


Hordriss:  "Yo yo yo Dungeoneer, like my new medallion? Don'tcha think it's totally bling? Now I is wantin' u 2 bring me back a bit of crack..."


[Martin's footnote - This one's off-subject again, but too clever to omit.]

How the Helmet of Justice came to be.

*Dungeoneer enters castle*
  "Off you go then."
*Dungeoneer wins quest easily without helmet on*
  "Well done our 10th winner this season out of 10!"
Dungeoneer:  "That was so easy I could do it blindfolded."
Tim Child:  "Hmmm..."



Barry:  (Silence)



Lord Fear:  "Hmm this crystal ball needs broadband."



Morghanna:  "Ah, I'm feeling generous, Martin, since no-one has won on Series 3 yet I shall let you pass without being hurt."


Brother Mace:  "No more ale please."


Last dungeoneer in any series (except Barry, of course):  "What's the point of me going on a quest if you know there's no chance that I'll have enough time to complete it?"



Gundrada to Bumptious:  "Yes, I jolly well swear to never rob or decapitate a dwarf."



A team enter the Block and Tackle, Treguard says:
"Everything here is stable, we reinforced the walls so that we..."
"Don't fret team he's just invisible..."


Lord Fear:  "Stop it! You're hurting my feelings!"


Lord Fear:  "Let's be friends...!"



Skarkill:  "Are you seriously suggesting that I'd accept a bribe?"

Snapper Jack:  "You right, this glove looks ridiculous."

Honesty Bartram:  "I hope we can still do business, even if I am just a cheap alternative to Julius Scaramonger."

Velda:  "You're right - adventuring is no career for an elf who gets kidnapped by goblins twice in as many quests."

Ah Wok:  "Yes, I plobably do have tlouble plonouncing my Rs."

Fatilla:  "Now you come to mention it, I never have been quite sure what the verb 'to blip' means."

Greystagg:  "No thanks, I've already got more witch amber than I need."



Mildread:  "I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty!"


Gwendoline:  "You know, I've suddenly got this huge craving for veal!"


Sylvester Hands:  "Good evening, old sport! I was just enjoying a rather spiffing cucumber sandwich!"



Pickle:  "Oh, that's totally fair."


Simon:  "I think I'll sidestep to my right."



Series 8 Treguard:  "Quiche force energy fading..."


[Martin's footnote - This one goes on quite a bit, but is just too good to edit!]

Dungeoneer:  "I can see the cup that heals!"
Treguard:  "Excellent team, now take it and exit through that door!"
Dungeoneer:  "Hold on, I can also see the sword, the crown and a lost maid!"
Treguard:  "Er, you just leave those for another dungeoneer."
Dungeoneer:  "Why? I may as well take them all."
Treguard:  "Well, can only take two objects at a time..."
Dungeoneer:  "No, it's all right, I can manage with all four of them. Even the maid..."
(Treguard mutters under breath...)
*Later, with new team*
Treguard:  "Well, team. You can choose your quest objects. You can search for the bucket that protects, the broom that sweeps, the... er... kitten that mews or... er... Pickle, just go off into the dungeon for a bit. Let the dungeoneers find you."
Pickle:  "But what if the dungeoneer gets killed before they reach me?"
Treguard:  "Well, that's a risk you'll just have to take. Now, off with you you silly sprite."



*Dungeoneer gets killed all of a sudden by Hitler*

Treguard:  "Ooohhhh, Nazi!"



Treguard:  "Congratulations team... You have found the cup!"



Lord Fear:  "You haven't had much food recently, have you? Well, I hate to see people die, so, have this loaf of bread."

Treguard:  "Here, Majida, you sit in my chair now. After all, you are carrying my baby."

[Martin's footnote - I knew it! I knew he was banging her during temporal disruption! I-knew-it-I-knew-it-I-knew-it!]


Motley: "Hmm, I wonder if it's about time I started telling rude jokes for a change."


HSTORM (which is to say, me)......

Brollachan:  "You got the answer to the riddle wrong."

Pickle:  "This is the team's quest. We mustn't get too involved."

Majida:  "I like you, Treguard."

Gideon:  "Must watch my language."

Ridolfo:  <Anything intelligible whatsoever>

Gumboil:  "No more for me thanks, I'm driving."

Dooris:  "WAHEEEEEEYYY!!!"

Lord Fear:  "I got it wrong."

Igneous:  "I respect your intelligence."


Anyone on Aqash's Team:  "I know the answer to that one!"

Pickle:  "Go on, tell them your name."


Merlin:  "I remember that."

Treguard:  "Mogdred's a big jessie-pants!"


Sir Hugh de Witless:  "Oh you need help do you? So what?"


Majida:  "I like dees puzzle. Eet really easy and dunjin-ear has nice clear view of whole room."


[If you posted one to this topic and it doesn't appear here, please don't be too downhearted  -  I probably just thought it was rubbish.]

Right-click below and select "Save As" to download the above-mentioned sound file from;