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The Slimmest Books In Dunshelm's Library

This is one of those glorious threads from the KM forum that just would not die...

Martin 'HStorm' Odoni

All My Funny Gags
by Motley.

The Gentle Art Of Diplomacy by Elita.

Learn Self-Restraint by Pickle.

My Great Rescues by Sir Hugh de Witless.

My Tips For Making An Honest Living by Julius Scaramonger.

The University Portfolio of Sylvester Hands.

My Life In The Spotlight by Gibbet.

How To Develop A Relaxed Attitude For When Meeting New People by Velda.

Advanced Aerobics Techniques by Casper the Key.

Grimaldine's Tips On How To Avoid Losing A Wall Monster

   G'dine G'wold's Preface:

"Y'know, I received a severe Brollaching from my fellow green clad wizards when I lost mine, so now learn from my mistakes and you'll never have to enter a filthy dungeon to retrieve..."

Ways To Maintain Your Modesty by Marta the serving maid.

Dress To Thrill by Mogdred.

The Strain Of Overwork by Raptor.

Secrets Of Younger-Looking Skin by Mildread.

An In-Depth Analysis Of The English Common Law by Sylvester Hands.

The Official Log Of My Time On The Waggon by Gumboil the Tee-Total.

Finding Courage In Times Of Confrontation: a guide book published on behalf of The Order Of Assassins.

The Art Of Understatement by Barry.

Anger Management Tips by Gibbet.

My Greatest Hits by Ridolfo.

Fair Fights I have Won by Morghanna.

Malice's Big Book Of Favourite Fireballs.

Classic Dungeon Architecture by the bloke who built that bridge from S4.

Folly's Fabulous Recipes (See S2, the quest after he got his laughter back).

How To Run The Perfect Bath by Motley.

How To Run by Lissard.

My Friends Who Have Never Said That I'm A Silly Old Fool by Merlin.

My Friends by Cedric.

Things I Like About Seasons 6&8 by HStorm.
How To Perfect Clear And Concise Self-Expression by the Oracle Of Confusion.

All My Good Hair Days by Hordriss The Confuser.

Happy Landings by Scott.

Diets That Really Work by McGrew.

Make Accents That Sound Authentic by McGrew.

Great Ethnic Dances I Have Known by McGrew.

Songs That We've Never Corrupted by Emii and Drassil.

My Stylish Aprons by Treguard.

The Art Of Long Term Survival by Aqash.

Advanced Guide To Identifying Nutritious Foodstuffs by the Troll.

My Tips For Lightning Fast Spellcasting by Merlin.

The Ultra-Tough Door-reen Riddle Book.

How To Boost Your Machismo by Motley.

Improve Your Oral Hygiene The Atlantean Way by Lissard.

The Good Points About Casper The Key accumulated from the consensus of all Knightmare fans in the history of the universe. (Just two lines. And one of those was "Also by the same author." And the other line was, "Well at least he left the series...")

A Full Log Of Our Repeat Fees On Network TV by the cast of Knightmare.

My Method Of Seduction by Folly.

Mogdred's Guide To Writing More Original Bad-Guy Dialogue.

Miremen Tips On How To Improve Your Co-Ordination.

Improve Your Running Speed by the Cavernwights

A Complete Log Of All Online Conversations Between Elita And GG That Hasn't Strayed Onto The Subject Of Lego Architecture.

A Scathing Indictment Of Excessive False Name Usage In Modern Culture by Sue Denim.

The Genie's Guide To The Dungeon, All The Sights, Sounds And History by Majida.

Beards That Can Be Fashionable by Bumptious.

The Righteousness Of The Wars Against Terror by Lord Fear. (Hasn't anyone else ever noticed the unfortunate acronym for George Bush's pet war, "The War Against Terrorism"?)

Secrets Of Camouflage by Mellisandre.

My Philosophy Of Urgent, Decisive Action At Critical Moments by Lord Fear.

Ho To Survive The Corridor Of Blades Without Help From A Generous TV Producer by... aw, you guessed!

How To Identify Precious Stones by Olaf (with foreword by Gumboil the shrewd).

The Accumulated Evidence That A Bargain With Me Really IS A Bargain For Success by Mogdred.

A Log Of The Days In My Life I Haven't Spent Hiding Behind The Sofa by HStorm.

The Kulaemii Guide To Forging A Successful Relationship With Your Siblings. *Hides behind the sofa before Emii can pick it up and throw it at him.*

All My Great Victories In Battle by Gumboil the Unconquerable.

Tips To Avoid Overusing Your Favourite Catchphrase by Treguard.

Tips To Avoid Confusing Two Completely Different Forests by Pickle.

Tips To Avoid Fluffing Abusive Terminology by Majida.

'Grimaldine Grimwold'

The Encyclopaedia of Wit by Mogdred.

How to Make Friends and Influence People by Grimwold.

The Big Book of Etiquette by Sylvester Hands.

How to Write You Own Bestseller by Brother Ernest Strange.

Of course, the number one untouched book in the Dunshelm Library is Brother Strange's Proverbs.

How to Kick You Habits by Brother Sebastian Mace.

You Too Can Lose Weight by the same author.

Award Winning Acting in 10 Easy Steps by Velda.

Pet Care Illustrated, by Mrs. Enid Grimwold.

My Collected Scripts by Festus the Quasi-Canine. (The signed copy in the Dunshelm Library is somewhat chewed, so please handle with care.

The Complete Dictionary Of All Things Magical by Sidriss the Stupid.

Optimism - The Key to Unlocking a Fulfilling Life by Door-is the Door.

My Best Carpentry Tips and Tactics by Oakley the Tree Troll.

Love is All You Need by Mogdred and his pet Quail.

100 Ways To Ensure You Read Through Your Posts Properly So You Don't Have To Incessantly Modify them For Annoying Spelling Errors by Grimaldine Grimwold.

Chill Out! Being Relaxed and Not Feeling the Need to Edit Posts For Tiny Spelling Errors by, well, you guessed it.

The Book of Humility (the retitled 2nd edition of The Hordriss Guide, edited by Hordriss and Grimaldine Grimwold).

Beat that Paranoid State of Mind by Grimaldine Grimwold.

Fidjit, the Biography: Why We Should All Love Him by Grimaldine Grimwold.

The Full Chronicle Of Everything I Love About That Lissard-Disguised-As-Marta Storyline - Oh, How We Laughed! by Grimaldine Grimwold.

Why We'd Never Hijack A Thread With Our Paranoid Gibberings: A Treatise On Courtesy by HStorm and Grimaldine Grimwold. (HStorm's footnote  -  Hey, I started the thread to begin with, GG. I'm not sure 'hijack' is the word.)

How to Make a Good Character to Roleplay on a Forum and Roleplay Well With It by, oh, you must know who wrote this one. Oh, go on, take a guess. That's right, you clever thing, you!

Fabulous Fashion by the Dungeon's very own Trinny and Susannah, Mildread and Mrs. Grimwold.

How to be a Good Pirate by Captain Nemanor, the Fake Pirate.

How to Be a Big Hit at Parties by Brother Ernest Strange.

Why We Should Be Nominated For BAFTAs by the actors dressed as goblins.

Things I'm Not a Rip-Off Of In Any Way by Romahna.

The Complete Guide to Lego Architecture by Jen 'Elita' Kollic.

Our Love Story by Lillith and Bumptious.

Why We Love Fun House by the Cast and fans of Knightmare.

Spells I Can Cast In Under 10 Minutes by Merlin.

Proof It Wasn't Really Me Who Told Tim Child The Christmas Scene With Me In At The End Of Series 4 Would Be a Great Idea by Merlin.

Reasons I Love Merlin Really by Grimaldine Grimwold.

My Amusing Catchphrases by Fidjit the Lockmaster.


The Goblin Master's Handbook by Skarkill.

Snapper-Jack's Brain Buster Riddles.

Perfect Elocution in 10 easy Steps by Lissard.

The Wisdom And Wit of A Brollachan.

Mastering Miremen by Raptor.

You, Me And Bhal-Sheba by Bhal & Sheba.

How To Cook A Dungeoneer by Mildread.

Honesty Is The Best Policy For Making Money by Honesty Bartram.

Brother Silence's Guide To Religious Phliosophy.

My Life As A Dungon Hag by Mistress Goody.

Make Accents That Sound Even More Authentic by Olaf.

Authentic Accents Vol. 2 by Ah Wok.

My Life In The Dungeon by Morghanna.

How To Catch A Dungeoneer in Ten Easy Steps by Raptor.

Identifying The Differences Between Goblin Horns & Magic Ones by Richard & Co. (S5)

Goblin Masters We Have Known by Grippa, Rhark & Tiny.

The Good Point's Of Elita by Pickle.

Memoirs Of A Pirate Crew by Raptor & Captain Nemanor.

A Compilation Of All My Fan Mail by Casper The Key.

'Moana Liza'

Ways To Make You Happy by Mugg the Gargoyle.

Tips From Elita's Charm School.

Maths Made Easy by the Brollachan.

How To Improve Your Memory by Merlin.

Brother Mace's Latin Phrase book.

Succulently Tasty Pie Recipes by Mrs Grimwold.

A Personal Review Of The Movie "Eight Legged Freaks" by Ariadne.

My Top Summer Holidays by Aesandre.

Why I Really Should Get Out More by Treguard.

Fatilla's Guide To Blipping And Blopping, All explained.

My Memoirs by Merlin.

The Master's Loyalty Guide by Skarkill.


The History of the Bath by Sylvester Hands.

Left is Right (or Sidestep to Victory) by Simon and Nathan.

Top Ten Winterian Tans.

How To Avoid Giving Your Realm A Contrived Name by Aesandre.

A History of the Body Shop by Lissard.

Repentance Of A Dangerous Kidnapper by Sylvester Hands and Skarkill.

When Is A Wand of Majesty Not A Wand of Majesty? by Hordriss the Confuser.

Making Sense Of Your Spellbook by Sidriss the Confused.

Ways to Spend a Day Off by Sylvester Hands.

Fly-Fishing By J.R. Hartley: a Commentary by Sylvester Hands.

Eats, Shoots and Leaves 2 by Fatilla the Hun.

Jen 'Elita' Kollic

The Complete Guide To Proper Dungeon Manners and Etiquette: A collaboration between Elita and Cedric.

Reasons Why Pickle Isn't A Twat After All by Jen Kollic.

Majida: Love Sonnets by HStorm.

The Big Book Of Curtains And Interior Design by Grimaldine Grimwold.

Choosing The Right Colours For Website Design by Jen Kollic.

The Wit and Wisdom of a Dungeon Maid by Gretel.

My Very Secret Diary by Sidriss. (Because she made one entry and then lost the bloody thing.)

Rob 'Ringmasterrob' Wood

Hilarious Pranks For The Immature
by Hordriss.

How To Prevent HStorm From Becoming Paranoid by Ringmaster "I'm gonna get you HStorm" Rob.

Avoiding Temptation; Or Why You Shouldn't Accept Bribes by Fatilla The Hun.

The Slice Of Life: An In Depth Look At The Corridor Of Blades by Daniel & Co. (S8 Team 2.)

The Proof I Am Related to Elita by Pickle.

The Block and Tackle: A Perfect Holiday Destination by Simon.

Why We Wouldn't Want HStorm To Die In Hideous Pain by Drassil and Emii (see above).

What Festus Looks Like by The Watchers.

My Time In The Dungeon: A Travelogue by Aqash.

A Little Goes A Long Way: Why You Shouldn't Overpost by Ringmasterrob and HStorm.

Why I Like The S4 Ending, by Ringmasterrob, Grimaldine Grimwold, HStorm, Emii, Drassil, Snowwiewolf...

How To Keep Your Imagination In Check by Snowwiewolf.

Tips To Curb Your Jealousy by Snowwiewolf's boyfriend.

Glenn 'Motley' Toogood

Chatting up dungeon maid easy
by Motley.

Emily 'Emii' Bradshaw

Great Dungeon Dishes
by M.T. Napsak.

Dave 'Drassil' Goldstein

The Brollochan Brief a bestselling thriller by John Grishamaldine.

Differences Between Winteria And Narnia by Queen Aesandre (under the pen-name I. C. Nicus).

You Too Can Boost Your Word Power by A. Blocker.

Mother: A Daughter's Truths by Sidriss The Confused & Andrew Morton.

Who Exactly The Campbells Are: All You Need To Know by Montgomery McGrew.

Original Ways For Dungeon Masters To React To Failed Quests by Una Stee.

Ducking, Quailing And Cold Turkey: My Battle Against Addiction by Mellisandre OBE.

Differences Between Winteria And Narnia: Volume II by Queen Aesandre (under the pen-name I. C. Nicus).

My Story by the Cartoon Knight.

Finding Nemanor: My Greatest Voyages by Admiral Nemanor.

Successful Present Giving by Julie from Series 3.

The Art Of Detecting Eavesdroppers Sooner Rather Than Later by Lord Fear.

Charisma by Mistress Goody & Jade Goody.

Why I Swear I've Never Even Heard Of Narnia And Why I'm Far, Far More Than Just A Badly-Cast, Poorly-Acted Generic Ice Queen
by Aesandre Winterbourne-Scaramonger.

Etruscan Brandy: A Taster's Guide by Brother Mace.

Good Reasons Why I Am Named Ariadne by Ariadne.

Timely And Tasteful Christmas Celebrations by Merlin.