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...It's scarier (obvious I suppose, but worth mentioning)...
...The
Crystal Maze never had any magic in it, therefore you never get to hear any of that charming xylophone music...
...The
Crystal Maze never had any magic in it because the producers can't spell...
...The Crystal Maze was just an opportunity for grown men and women
to run around a glorified adventure playground acting like kids...
...The plastic Dungeon in the Medieval Zone looked more fake than a bunch
of hand-paintings by David Rowe...
...Well let's face it, just getting locked in for failing to complete a puzzle
is a pretty feeble punishment next to getting killed, isn't it?...
...Richard O'Brien's hairstyle lacked a certain...
something. Oh yes, hair that's it...
...What would you rather listen to - Lord Fear gloating wittily or Richard O'Brien
pretending he knows how to play the mouth organ?...
...The arch-villain of the Dungeon was called "Mogdr-r-r-red",
the arch-villain of the Medieval Zone was called "Mumsie"...
And the number one reason why Knightmare
is better than The Crystal Maze is...
...Three words - Ed. Tudor. Pole.
Well, honour dictates
that I've now got to offer the counter-argument. Crikey, I've set myself a difficult one here. I'm sure I can think of some,
gimme a moment. Errrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmm, hang on. Um, er, um. Oh um, er... oh yes.
The Crystal Maze was better than Knightmare because...
...None of the cast in The
Crystal Maze were dressed like rejects from a Doctor Who convention. Well, no more than two of them anyway.
Well no more than three of them. Hang on, there WERE only three of them...
...Not that The Crystal Maze
did much better, but there was too much repetition in Knightmare...
...Not that The Crystal Maze
did much better, but there was too much repetition in Knightmare...
...In The Crystal Maze you genuinely
had to run fast to escape from a puzzle room in time. In Knightmare on the other hand, to evade a supremely powerful
monster's dreadful lightning attacks all you apparently had to do was sidestep carefully to the left and walk very, very slowly
to the door...
...Those 80's-style jumpsuits may have been kakky, but at least they didn't look as stupid as the Helmet
of Justice...
...The actors in The Crystal Maze clearly weren't dying of embarrassment when they did their
lines...
...The Producers never wasted time worrying about making The Crystal Maze a properly coherent, on-going
game which might, for instance, retain the viewer's interest...
...Treguard's hairstyle lacked a certain... something.
Scissors and a comb, if season two's anything to go by...
...Richard and Ed never went around insulting the viewers'
intelligence by pretending the show was anything other than a pointless game...
And the number one reason why
The Crystal Maze is better than Knightmare is...
...Three words - Pickle. And. Majida.
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