The Blake's 7 Super Test



Blake's 7 Super Test
Blake's Legacy
Blake's Progress
Naming Blake
"Avon: A Terrible Novel"?
Birth Of The Federation
The Blake's 7 Formula
To Kill Or To Stun
The Blake's 7 Drinking Game
Blake's Chicken
Blake's Parrott
DeLiberation
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Blake's 7 Characters And Fans Answer The Perennial Question

ROJ BLAKE: "I never realised. That chicken really does hate me, doesn't it?"

CALLY: "What? No no, chicken! Don't leave me on this side of the road! I'll be all alo-o-o-o-o-o-o-one!"

KERR AVON: "As far as I'm concerned, that chicken can cross whatever it likes. It can stir up a thousand motoring accidents, it can wade in traffic up to its wing-pits. And it can lead its whole brood to the other side, whatever that might mean."

VILA RESTAL: "Zzzzzz >Cough< Wh-What? What chicken?"

ROJ BLAKE: "Leave it! It is one of the cardinal precepts of freedom that ALL poultry should have the inalienable right to cross any road it chooses to without having its motives questioned by corrupt oppressors."

DEL TARRANT: "No chicken, don't cross yet! We all go together! Do you hear me, chicken? We all go together!"

SOOLIN: "That chicken was the best in the business 'till I ran him over."

ROJ BLAKE: "It meant what it said on Goth. It didn't go to the road just to cross it, it is going to destroy it."

TRAVIS: "It was heading for a rendezvous with Blake  -  I can feel it!"

KERR AVON: "It's the one talent we all share, even chickens."

BOUNTY HUNTER BLAKE: "Chicken? Where's my gun? It'll make a nice change from rabbit."

VILA RESTAL: "There isn't a road it can't cross, if it's scared enough."

KERR AVON: "Staying on this side of the road required a degree of stupidity of which it no longer felt capable."

CALLY: "The chicken that is trussed can never be filleted  -  only marinated."

DEL TARRANT: "A strategic withdrawal is what it had planned - the chicken was running away with dignity."

KERR AVON: "It was expendable, it was stupid and it went."

VILA RESTAL: "A little hard work never hurt any chicken."

TRAVIS: "If the Supreme Commander orders that the chicken must be allowed to cross the road, then the chicken must be allowed to cross it."

ROJ BLAKE: "You talk a good road-crossing, chicken."

SOOLIN: "Typecasting?"

KERR AVON: "An intelligent chicken can adapt."

SERVALAN: "It is a despicable animal. When the Federation finally cleans out this coop, I shall have that feathered degenerate eviscerated with a small and very blunt knife."

SLAVE: "It is beyond my humble powers to offer an explanation, sir. I am sure that whatever reason you give for the esteemed chicken crossing the road will be the right one."

KERR AVON: "It was avoiding being eaten, which was fortunate really. It would be difficult to pluck."

ZEN: "Recorded instances in databanks of poultry attempting to traverse vehicular carriageways number seven thousand three hundred and twenty four. From these, two thousand nine hundred and seventeen distinct psychological motivations have been deduced. One - evasion of inimical carnivorous life forms. Two..."

SERVALAN: "Where there's chicken, there's threat."

TRAVIS: "That is no concern of mine. Have you seen Blake anywhere?"

KERR AVON: "Profound philosophical questions never really interested me."

DAYNA MELLANBY: "Without danger there's no pleasure."

ORAC: "A preliminary analysis of the flightless avian's dynamic energy patterns during the time of the specified maneuver reveals that its forward momentum was stimulated by a series of electric neural impulses from its cerebral cortex to the nerve endings in the muscular tissues within its bipedal locomotive appendages, in order to obtain passage to the corresponding footway located on the diametrically-opposing vertex of the vehicular carriageway. Why inconvenience me with such elementary matters?"

JENNA STANNIS: "Eh? Um, this chicken... it wasn't wearing a gun holster and a hat marked Customs Officer was it?"

ZEN: "Confirmed. Chicken is attempting to traverse the roadway. Other side has been cleared for access."

OLAG GAN: "Oh look. The chicken's crossing the road. My my."

KERR AVON: "Try greed. It's usually reliable."

ROJ BLAKE: "I've never seen that chicken before in my life. And before you say it, no, I've had no treatments, my memory is fine."

ZEN: "Insufficient data for accurate projection."

SENATOR BERCOL: "My department has done all in its power to suppress information about the chicken, but still the stories get out. The slightest road-crossing is immediately attributed to the chicken. Every time it is told it is elaborated upon until it becomes a major event. The chicken is becoming a legend. Its name is a rallying cry for road-crossers of all persuasions, it must be stopped."

SECRETARY RONTANE: "I understood that the chicken had been suspended from duty pending an enquiry into the crossing of a road on the planet Oros."

KENDALL: "I'm telling you, I don't know. I don't have any answers to your questions."

SONHEIM: "I snapped at it."

AVALON: "I know enough about these machines to realise that I will tell you why the chicken crossed the road and you will murder hundreds of people, maybe thousands."

LARGO: "Chicken?! It doesn't exist. Believe me, it's a... a... phantom, a myth, a shadow."

BEK: "It's an innovator."

CARNELL: "Well, of course the chicken crossed the road, it was always going to. It just went a little sooner than I'd calculated, that's all."

KASABI: "I'm sorry, chicken. I should have tried... in the beginning, I should have tried to help you."

ZIL: "Movement is life."

BELLFRIAR: "Virology's my field I'm afraid, I'm not following you."

GAMBRILL: "You won't catch me doing that. I've got my pension to think about."

PAR: "Pity it went and crossed the road like that. You could've shot it."

KRANTOR: "It's not my concern which side the chicken is on. Krantor wins both ways, rule of the house."

JARRIERE: "Because he wants the information that only Docholli has? I see... so Krantor doesn't have the chicken...? Uh... I'm not following you, commander."

HAL MELLANBY: "Because most chickens see only the cars that they want to see."

BAYBAN: "I may have to get rid of the chicken. Be a pity but... it's got no team spirit, you know?"

CLINICIAN FRANTON: "It's heading for the replication plant. Come on!"

CA ONE: "We banished it for rebelling against a policy that was agreed upon in council."

SHRINKER: "Give me five minutes alone with that chicken and I'll get the answer... Ooooo she'll be begging for death."

SECTION LEADER FORRES: "I owed it money, you see? Oh it's true, may I never leave this spot."

MAJOR GRENLEE: "If you want to get ahead in this army, you've got to learn to distinguish between chickens that are, and chickens that aren't."

ULTRA: "To attend the chicken bonding ceremony."

LECTOR: "Poor choice. It was a very bad time for 'accidents'."

DORAN: "Never mind what it did to the road! What's it done to my pal?"

MOLOCH: "It realised that it had to  -  for a chicken of its era, it has uncommon powers of deduction."

DEETA TARRANT: "I didn't see, I was standing in a hole."

LINK: "The indications as obtained via a brief perusal of all available data leads me inexorably to the conclusion that the avian pedestrian had no exact intent in engaging in the indicated manoeuvre, which was inherently more likely to be chiefly a random thermodynamic propulsion caused by entirely capricious mental motiva-... er, I mean... GRRRAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!"

DORIAN: "This chicken of yours, is it in the salvage game too?"

HELOTRIX GENERAL: "It's a feint, to draw attention away from their main attack."

JUSTIN: "It's going into its bunker, there's food there. Food, chicken! Go and eat the food, it is waiting for you."

NEBROX: "Fresh chicken eh? Well it's better than sitting around waiting for them to bring in the mangon, don't you think?"

INVESTIGATOR REEVE: "Perhaps someone thought I'd be lonely."

GAMBIT: "There are nine hundred and seventeen different possible outcomes from this position. The chicken's death in a traffic accident is by no means inevitable."

EGRORIAN: "It was those jealous parvenus of the Science Board who forced it to abscond."

ARLEN: "Clarence! The chicken's name is Clarence. So use it, SCUM!"

PAUL DARROW: "Because it was late for a signing of its book - Chicken: In Terrible Aspic."

NEIL FAULKNER: "I refuse to answer that question. I think it's completely unfair as many Blake's 7 fans will not have had access to that information and I believe that these quizzes should be as level a playing field as possible."

RUTH KENYON: "I'm sat in an Internet cafe having just visited the road that the chicken crossed in Cluck-Locate-Destroy. I'll get some photos of it up on my page as soon as possible."

SALLY M: "<In that very small voice> I quite liked the chicken."

NICO MODY-NIKOLOFF: "It crossed the road because the writer's portrayal of the chicken was completely wrong throughout the joke. The chicken is a kind, sensitive character, and it would never cross the road or have smelly talons!"

NEIL BLISSETT: "The whole story made me want to throw up! It used the road-crossing, which was never even mentioned in the TV series, as the central concept. I don't care how much better the characters were portrayed or how original the joke was, it was absolute cr*p."

MARTIN ODONI: "It left because it was so disgusted that someone brought back that dreary Stannis-woman for a PGP-fanfic." (I just put this one in so as not to seem unfair.)

JANE WALTON: "Oh no, you can't let the chicken cross the road that early in the story! You're making things far too easy for it!"

DAVE NEVETT: "That sounds like a great plot idea. Did you get it from Babylon-5?"

TIMOTHY "DISCONTINUITY GUIDE" DEAN: "Roots: Timothy Claypole from Rentaghost.

Goofs: The chicken is on a pavement and not in a coop. Duh!

Links: The plot clearly picks up some time after the How many chickens does it take to change a lightbulb? joke in the previous episode.

Fashion Victims: The chicken's wearing feathers, poor sucker! What is this, 1983?

Double Entendres: The word 'why' at the beginning of the joke sounds like what a pair of legs look like when spread <snigger>!

Plotholing: No explanation is offered for how the chicken wound up next to the road in the first place!!!

The Bottom Line: An interesting idea ruined by the simplistic set-up, the implausible mechanics and the hurried conclusion. In the end, the very idea that a chicken would even go near the road is simply preposterous. And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, it goes and walks across it? This had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt. The writer is clearly depending entirely on stupidity from the chicken to carry the story off, and it just doesn't work."

JACQUI SPEEL: "Story idea; What would have happened if the chicken #hadn't# crossed the road and it hitched a ride in a passing winnebago instead?"

BARRY LETTS: "Chicken cross the road? Damn, why didn't I think of that? It would've made a fantastic sequel to The Syndeton Experiment!!!"

CHRIS BOUCHER: "The chicken had eaten a lot of feed, and crossed a lot of roads. It was faced with a serious decision, and I thought it was time for it to start questioning itself, to feel less certain about what it was doing. It had to reach a point where it understood that if it actually destroyed the Federation it would have to cross a lot of roads to do it, and the line between the chicken and the terrorist is a fairly thin one."

LISA WILLIAMS: "I don't believe it! That bloody chicken's delayed the launch of Blake's 7 on DVD again..."

HARRIET MONKHOUSE: "Did it spot Jarriere on the other side and wanted his autograph?"

BETTY RAGAN: "That sounds like a dull story to put in a blog."

KATHRYN ANDERSEN: "If someone can send me an answer to the chicken question I'll include it in the next version of the Lyst Culture Guide."

WILDEAN: "It probably saw a copy of Afterlife in the shop window... ah, what a great book! PS Only joking."

ALAN STEVENS: "Because it saw a complete set of Kaldor City CD's (signed by Paul Darrow and Scott Fredericks), available to buy at just 9.99 each - fantastic value or what? You should buy them. Go on. Go on, buy them! Pleeeeeease!"

GINA THE DORMOUSE: "It was running away from the Space Rats, and I really like the Space Rats, and I want you all to leave it alone."

UNA McCORMACK: "Ah, the chicken. Now this is the missing scene from Animals that I keep mentioning - if those cheapskates at the BBC hadn't cut it, everyone would realise what a fabulous episode it really was!"

JOYCE BOWEN: "Who cares? Gareth Thomas doesn't appear in the joke. I'm just not interested in jokes that don't have Blake in them."

BETTY RAGAN: "Here's some reasons why you know you're answering too many Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? jokes..."

CALLE DYBEDAHL: "Will someone please tell that bloody chicken that I'm NOT a woman?!?!?!?"

BRIAN McLENNAN: "No idea. That last story you wrote's crap by the way."

NIJ BLAKE: "What's a chicken?"

RAK KYBEN: "The chicken crossed the road? Oh dear that's terrible. Look don't blame me! Just because I mentally programmed the chicken to cross the road any time it finds one, that doesn't make it MY fault..."

TEKK FARIN: "Chicken?" <ZZAP!!> "What chicken? Hur hur hur..."

KREEL: "I declare the chicken will cross the road. It will do that. I command it. I COMMAND it!"

HAILEE GAVISSON: "What kind of a stupid question's that? Look, I've got a ship to fly, grease-stain, leave me alone."

OREN: "Ah, but what a noble beast that chicken is! If you should get run over, chicken, I won't stop fighting until I've avenged you. I'll look back on you with admiration, and forward with resolve to prove that your faith in me was justified."

PHASIA: "I always wanted a home and a chicken of my own to care for."

Thanks to Jane Walton for thinking up some of these, especially the line for Dayna, which was miles better than the really feeble one I came up with for her. Also thanks to Marian Mendez and Nico Mody-Nikoloff for some new ones. Incidentally, an earlier version of this page can be found on Neil Blissett's site.